Mrs. Iowa Pageant day 3.1

So there I was, getting ready to walk across a stage almost naked. While I was merely trying to get all my ties on my swim suit centered, one of the super glamour girls wondered in our side of the dressing room and fired up her airbrush machine. She walked in in her underwear and she couldn't have been larger than a size 0, abs of steal with a twist of inflatables as boobs. Someone whispered to me "can you believe she has 6 kids?" I couldn't. Maybe I was too hard on these ladies. I had to give it to her, she must have to do a lot of family juggling to hit the gym often enough to have a body like that. Almost with TV timing she starts talking about how she airbrushes herself every day with this spray tanner. She was obsessing with her painted on abs and fished for compliments like her confidence depended on it. It soon became clear why she had wandered over to our side, she just wanted to feel better about herself. She also told the stories of how she had competed last year and the reason why she lost was her nose. That is why she had gotten a nose job, tummy tuck and lip injections. I couldn't help but feel bad for her. She had spent the last year believing that these judges were a real authority on anything. She had taken losing to heart; and mine started to break for her. 

When it was time to go on stage in my swimwear I wasn't worried as much as I thought I was going to be. The show was dragging on and since I was first, people started cheering out of excitement that the show was finally moving on. I walked, I turned. All four Iowa girls then went back out and all stood next to each other. The crowd went wild. I don't know how you could feel embarrassed, you might feel naked, but everyone is clapping and cheering. Totally a once in a life time feeling.

By the time I got back to the dressing room my heart sank. I had hung my dress on a rack to fluff out. Now there was a 6 inch rip at the bottom front. There were also a number of holes along the bottom hem. I didn't have time to wonder what happened. (my guess now is someone moved the rack and caught my dress up in the wheels, ripped the dress out of the wheels and walked away)

My only option was to cut the tulle shorter. I was pissed. Not because I was going to get a bad score, or that it would look bad. This part of the pageant was the whole allure of doing it. I dropped out of high school and never had a real prom. My wedding dress had to be something I could dance all night in. This was supposed to be my princess moment. I heard someone say to someone else "now she's cutting her dress!" and I watched the gossip spread to the next room. I had been on my best behavior all weekend so I don't know what I had done that was so appalling before to get the "now".


You can kinda see the bad hem in this photo :/

But really who was I kidding? I'm not a princess. It bugged me more that I couldn't re-sell the dress back to the second hand store it came from. I made my way through the hall and could only laugh watching girls freak out over wrinkles no one can see, or if a gem was duller than the rest.

At this point it's like 10pm. Being there since 11am with no lunch break, no dinner break, I was getting grumpy. I had been in heels since 5 and my dogs were barking. We were all gathering in the hall and I just sat flat on the floor, feet out. I watched girls lean/slide down the wall to kneel a bit. Who's jealous of who now bitches!


I was so sick of taking photos with people. (not that that many people were really asking) I suggested that we all take a silly one and then this happened:


It was time for questions, mine seriously didn't make sense. I've heard the saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result" but not this one. So this was my question:
"There is a saying that you shouldn't do the same thing and expect the same result, do you think that applies to pageants?"

I have no idea what I said. I know it ended with "then scrap it and start over"

I zoned out while I figured out what the fuck I can to do with this piece of paper the question was written on. I tried stuffing it in my bracelets. I tried my waist band. I glanced around to see what everyone else was doing with theirs. Most had folded it neatly and were holding it like a bribe they were about to slip a door man. With my crumbled ball, that was no longer an option. Some had to have thrown it on the floor. (to me that just seemed rude to the clean up crew)

I zoned back in just in time to hear a girl answer her question with "I'm perfect" which couldn't be true because to say that, you lack modesty. Another girl got asked "If you were given $1,000 to spend on the pageant how would you spend it?" and had some great answer about a charity she started, but that's not really spending it ON the pageant but no one seemed to notice but me.


(Btw my photo was taken 10 min before I went out for St. Patrick's day on a cellphone and Steve had to Photoshop out an outlet)

It was FINALLY crowing time. I could see my friends in the crowd with large beers and I was so jealous. Iowa took our steps forward, all held hands, and the official papers were passed up to the front. The judges only listed first and second and we had to just stand there, holding hands, while everyone scrambled. I got third runner up (fourth out of four). The blonde with short hair got second runner up, the girl in the red dress got first runner up and the red head won Iowa.

While we walked back to our spots I was going to implement my escape. From where I was placed it would only take 4 backwards steps to be off stage. I glanced at my best friend and she knew what was up. I had planned that if anyone tried to stop me backstage I would just yell "I'm going to shit my pants" and just keep walking. I had a fool proof plan. While I took my third step the blonde next to me, for the first time, was concerned about me and and grabbed my arm and ushered me back into place. I no longer regretted steeping on her train. I stood in one place for an hour while all the awards got passed out. It was all bullshit. They handed out a "best complexion award". This was the only thing I really thought I had shot at at this point. I have porcelain skin and when it went to a leather skinned orange hag I knew the scores really have no base in reality. 

The only girls that won were girls who live, breathe and eat (or lack of eating) pageants. They have personality coaches, modeling coaches, lip injections... I bonded with the girls that have a rich life and wanted this to just be the icing on their cakes, rather than make their lives. 

Fun facts about the girls that won:

Iowa- she farted on stage
Minnesota- She changed clothes on day one. For no real reason, just wanted an outfit change like Mariah Carey on Cribs.
Wisconsin- She was the spray tan girl who hated her self. When she won, she didn't have the "you like me, you really like me" look I thought she would have. She craved this validation so bad, but her thank you kisses looked so fake. I bet her mind was really thinking "You idiots, I only fooled you into thinking I'm pretty".

I knew the whole thing was pointless. No one else did. Everyone took it so hard. I felt bad for the girls that have a life outside this racket but still took it hard. I really think it takes a damaged girl to do a pageant. Some girls needed to feel better than others. Some just finally thought they could be accepted by the popular girls. Some were bored rich wives that couldn't have kids and were spending the funds that would have gone to college on their faces. (I guess I was there to squeeze out some missed childhood, and to play dress up) 

When everyone had been crowned and it was time to hug everyone, I dipped out. I felt bad I didn't say goodbye to a few girls, but waiting another hour for booze was not an option. I had a long awaited vodka martini with my buddies at the hotel bar and we laughed at stories that I'm sure we will laugh at for a lifetime. 

They will be e-mailing me my scores soon, which I'm sure will add a few more. 





Now back to sewing! I'm about to finish a new shirt if I ever go out and buy more green bias tape.